Vancouver

Sven Kramer, the popular Dutch long track speed skater who sparked controversy earlier this week with some regrettable comments made to an NBC reporter (recall, “what, are you stupid?”), had his 10,000m skate disqualified on Tuesday due to a lane infraction. Midway through his would-be olympic record setting race, Kramer was mistakenly directed by his coach, Gerard Kemkers, to take the inside track.

The unfortunate mistake shocked the legions of orange-clad spectators who were in attendance on Tuesday, many of whom, like Kramer, only learned of the infraction after the race was complete. For Kramer and the Dutch, the gold medal was a near-certainty, and his disqualification a stunning outcome to an incredible skate. Kemkers described it as “the worst moment of (his) career”.

Vancouver

Keeping my car’s exterior clean is not just a hobby, it’s an obsession. I’m one of those guys who doesn’t park downhill of shopping carts or next to other vehicles (yes, that’s me in the furthest space from the store, right next to the curb), I don’t rest my coffee on my hood as I search for my keys and I would never so much as consider driving through one of those automated full-contact car washes. For that matter, I don’t even touch my car unless I’m washing it. When it comes to the interior, however, I can be a little neglectful. It’s not that I don’t like it clean in there – it’s just that living in an apartment makes cleaning pretty tricky.

Because my building manager really tends to get feisty when I string an extension cord from my window down to the parking lot to power my shop-vac, I figured it was time to give in and buy a portable vacuum cleaner.

Let me begin this review by saying the Dyson looks great, I’m sure it’s an awesome product, and if I had the $250 sitting around to afford it I’d have probably gone straight to that. I don’t and I didn’t. But where to look after the Dyson? When the next best thing appeared to be one of the slew of large, ugly handheld vacuums in the 60$-plus range sporting names I associate with (gasp) domestication, I got a bit depressed and went to gaze wistfully at the power tools in the hardware aisle.

Unexpectedly, a futuristic, masculine looking gem caught my eye – the Mastercraft PowerXchange 18v wet/dry vacuum. Not only was it found in the power tool section, it was a mere $29.99! 18v of sucking power, wet/dry capability, crevice attachment included – it had everything!

Already at the counter, admiring my purchase-to-be, I caught the downside. It doesn’t include a battery. Let me introduce you, if you’re not already acquainted, to the Mastercraft PowerXchange line – a line of power tools all using the same rechargeable batteries in Li-ion and NiCd form. The only unexpected problem – you have to buy the batteries/chargers separately. Or, you can do as I did, and buy yourself a new drill which comes with two batteries and a charger, all for just $69.99! Sure, I didn’t need a drill, and sure, I didn’t want to spend a combined total of $99.98 just to be able to vacuum out my car, but I’m a sucker for package deals.

A few days ago, the sun shone bright. It was prophetic – a perfect day to clean out the ride.

So – how does this vacuum perform? Without any attachments inserted, the sucking power is fantastic. It will pick up loose debris easily and efficiently – no need to run past them three or four times. However, when you’re vacuuming up deep-set lengths of dried grass, dog hair, and well-nestled sand from the carpet of your car an attachment is necessary. I found the brush to be the most proficient of all the attachments for this task, but also found that it performed somewhat poorly. It took many strokes over the surface to get it entirely clean, and I had the impression that the bristles wouldn’t stand up to too much of this level of duty. Further, and this was a problem common with all of the attachments, rather than clicking securely into place, the brush is sort of shoved or wedged into the inlet as best as possible. Unfortunately, this doesn’t produce a tight seal, and results in excessive loss of vacuum power. This is definitely a design flaw that should never have been ignored, as it so clearly was.

All that said, my car was filthy, and I feel a handheld vacuum cannot be expected to replace the shop-vac that I was used to using, nor does it have the carpet cleaning attachment included in household vacuums that can be invaluable in cleaning a car. In fairness, this vacuum will need to be tested for lighter duty for a fair assessment. Perhaps it speaks loudly that I was satisfied enough with the product after using it for a purpose that was out of its league that I decided to hold onto the vacuum for a second round rather than returning it. Stay tuned for a follow-up review.

Pros: Cost (assuming you need a drill); looks (masculine, looks at home in a garage or a space ship); sound (roaring)

Cons: Cost (assuming you don’t need a drill), poor fitting attachments, a bit awkward.

Final Verdict: 5/10 – mediocre.

Vancouver

Canada’s Olympic athletes must receive priority swine flu vaccinations, suggests a top Canadian official amid reports that H1N1 will end the world as we know it.

Garnett Weston spends a great deal of his time thinking of Canada’s future. As the Canadian official in charge of planning Canada’s post-apocalyptic strategy, Weston claims “swine flu-resistant olympic athletes would be akin to a breed of ‘super-humans’ who would increase the country’s odds at global domination.”

“We must ensure the country’s surviving population is well prepared to deal with a range of difficulties that we can expect in the coming decades”, suggests Weston, in reference to a computer generated simulation of the apocalypse. “The simulation suggests survivors will be required to live in an environment not dissimilar to modern cinema’s genre of zombie films. Undying stamina, crushingly good looks, zesty self-confidence… these are all important qualities that appear to increase an individual’s success rate, and I believe our olympic athletes embody those traits.”

Weston’s comments do not settle well well among some who feel Canada’s athletes are unfit to lead. In a recent attack advertisement, the Association of Smart Sitizens portray Olympic athletes as “enhancement-downing man/women-children who couldn’t think their way out of a first-level dungeon”.

Charlie Miller, the President of ASS, thinks Canada’s best chances lie with those who have devoted their lives to the study of apocalyptic scenarios. “I’ve seen Dawn of the Dead like 150-some times. I am absolutely prepared to do what needs to be done to lead the country. I have taken online survival courses, I’m the leader of my Warcraft guild, and I have a large weapons collection. People like me should be the recipients of any priority vaccinations, not those stupid Olympic athletes.”

Just who is the likely recipient of priority vaccinations may ultimately be decided by recent British Columbia legislation. Suggests the leader of the BC Conservative Liberals, “I am aware of the aspirations of ASS, and as a dork myself I can… respect their position. However, due to our recent laws prohibiting acting, speaking or thinking in a manner contrary to the Olympic spirit, I expect the membership of ASS to be silenced by way of the justice system. Long live the Olympic Committee and all associated trademarks.”

Vancouver

It was the last thing Benjamin Disraeli expected to see when he stuck his head out from under the oiled cardboard roof of his Downtown Eastside residence: “I looked up and my neighbor Rocket was sitting on a couch wearing an old hazmat suit and holding a tire iron. His appliance box was all done up in razor wire and he had a card-controlled access system installed to guard the front flap.”

“Me and mine are gonna be protected when this goes down”, assured Rocket, who declined to offer his real name. “Some of the guys (have) been passing around that report about this… pig flu causing anarchy. Well no pinko anarchist is going to get mine.”

Numerous worried residents in the Downtown Eastside have mobilized to protect themselves in response to findings from a leaked United Nations report on H1N1 that suggest the swine flu pandemic could kill millions and cause anarchy among the world’s poorest populations.

The UN report follows hot on the heals of a recent British Broadcasting Corporation article in which the Downtown Eastside is characterized as a “sewer of human misery” and the average income of residents is cited as less than 30% that of overall Vancouver residents.

“I’m planning to steal a shovel. I think my best bet is to dig a moat around my turf”, said Shawn Brant, who admitted to viewing his neighbors with a newfound sense of suspicion. “First you’re worried about getting coughed on or having a run-in with a pig, and now you have to be prepared for violence. What’s next?”

“Trust is not running high among the residents of the Downtown Eastside”, noted a representative of the BC Conservative Liberals, “we are hoping to pass legislation that will allow police to remove homeless from the streets for (their) protection.”

Comforting words in worrisome times.

North Burnaby

In a coordinated e-ffort to bring attention to their collective work, bloggers around the world paused postings yesterday to note the creation of the world’s 391,746,324th blog. At 12:38PST on September 21, 2009, MindOverMTR.wordpress.com, a freely hosted blog run by aspiring journalist M T Robinson, was created amidst a backdrop of silent fanfare that lasted just over one minute.

“(silence)”, noted Nolini Guptha, a regular contributer to his own political commentary blog. “I really feel like the blog world has hit a milestone here that will cause people to stand up and take notice. There’s now no way our voices can continue to be ignored.”

Other bloggers were not convinced: “I’m sort of not sure how all of us being quiet is supposed to bring attention to our blogs. I think we should have all posted at once to mark the occasion. (Imagine) if 400 million people posted at once. That would have sent a real message!”, quipped Ralph McGill, who has admitted difficulty staying motivated with his two-year old blog given the lack of public comments on his posts.

Robinson was surprised by the commotion the creation of his blog caused: “I didn’t even get a post up on it until the next day! I really thought it was going to take more time before I’d be noticed!”

“I’m not sure yet”, Robinson responded when asked what his blog would be about. “I’m just going to roll with it.”